Monday, December 12, 2005

The Clothes I'm In

If one more straw comes to rest upon this camel's back, she is going to crumple like her bones were made of porcelain.

As is always the case with me, it's not the big things that get me down. It is the myriad of small things that pile up to make me feel like I'm suffocating.

Today it was a jacket.

When I want to feel close to someone who is far away, I will often wrap myself in their clothes to feel more connected. When I was a kid, I'd take my mom's t-shirts to camp with me. When my husband is deployed, I wear his thermal t-shirts to bed.

These last couple of weeks, I've been wearing an old suede jacket of Patrick's that he gave to me when he moved. I've been stressed for him (not worried for him...there's a big difference) and wrapping myself in his comfy suede made me feel just a little bit closer to him.

And tonight, while I was berating my kids for leaving their back packs behind once again, I left it behind in the waiting room at music class.

Damn it.

Yeah, I can get it back no problem. But it's one more stop I have to make in my already overpacked week. And it is just more proof that I suck. And I'm not my old self. And I think there might be something wrong with me.

My night only got worse from there. No amount of apologizing can undo the damage you do when you yell at your kid for no reason.

Now, I've wrapped myself in the huge nightgown that I bought when I was pregnant with my daughter because it was the only thing I was comfortable in. It's the only nightgown I own.

Maybe I'm trying to feel closer to her. Or maybe I'm trying to feel closer to the mom I used to be. The one who didn't yell. Or forget to turn in lunch orders. Or have such a messy house that her kids can't find their homework.

I'm running out of other people's clothes to wear. But I'm afraid to face myself.

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