Spin a Little Faster

I was talking to a friend this weekend and said, "My blog has sucked lately."

"Oh, I know," he answered. "Mine has too."

Um, excuse me Mr. Man. That is not the proper response. The proper response is, "Oh, no, my dear. You are brilliant. Everything you write is pure genius. I wish I could write like you. I wish I could be you.

Once we got that straightened out, he said, "It sucks because I can't write about what's really on my mind."

Bingo! I know exactly how he feels.

There is so much going on around me right now. People I love a lot are hurting and there's nothing I can do. And when I try to do something, I seem to just make matters worse. The most difficult thing for me is that I have to censor myself whenever I talk about it.

I feel like I have one person I talk to about another person. And another person I talk to about him. And yet another person I talk to about that person. And I can't write about any of it.

That is so not my style. Especially since this isn't a bunch of high school crap going on. This is real stuff.

Sometimes I miss being able to share everything with my mother. But she wouldn't get it and then I'd have one more person in my loop of pain. Plus she has her own stuff with my father.

For the first time in my life, I miss being a teenager. Back then, my mom could deal with just about anything.

Back then I also wrote letters that I'd never send. But this writing-just-for-myself thing is not working out at all right now.

This post is a poor substitute for the pouring out of angst and rage that I would so dearly love to let loose. Because I find that without a release, my feelings are mostly turning to anger.

I'm so sick of being angry all the time. And I dearly miss the state of sleep.

I wish the world could just spin a little faster. Just for a month or two. Just so we can all get to the other side, stop waiting, and start working. 2007 can't get here soon enough.