Thursday, September 30, 2010

Flushing It Out

Well, whew! It's nice to know that yesterday's melancholy vent was a result of undiagnosed PMS.

Now that I'm down with the menses, I feel normal again. I've really got to see a professional about this PMS shit. It is getting ridiculous. Speaking of fears, if my PMS is this bad, can you imagine how bad menopause is going to be for me. And, well, of course for my family. But mostly for me!

You know, I have always thought that it's not really depression if you have something to really be sad about. It's not an anxiety disorder if you have real reason to be anxious.

I don't think much about what my husband is doing in Afghanistan. I didn't think much about what he was doing in Iraq. You can't think much about it and function on a daily basis. You have to put it aside. I'm good at that.

But that doesn't mean that my real knowledge of the situation isn't buried deep.

Before he deploys he tells us how he is going to be doing pretty much the same thing over there that he does here. Office work. And that he'll be just as safe. But when he gets home, little stories come out. Plus, when I stop my self-imposed moratorium on all war related media, I stumble upon other people's stories.

It is both much worse and much better over there than I think I imagine.

The first week he was gone I had a terrible cold. The second week, terrible PMS, apparently. Giving myself a break for not living up to my own high expectations has taken the pressure off. And writing out all of my very worst feelings yesterday helped to clear my mind too. (And so did your very sweet comments. You guys are the best! This is why I can't give up blogging.)

Today, the kids and I had a great morning. My son cruised through violin practice and my daughter actually got her hair clean in the shower (a real and true miracle, I'm telling you).

I blew my daughter's hair dry without tears. Hers or mine. I got my son into a pair of dress pants that fit him. And we got him into a tie without any strangling. It's school picture day.

My daughter is taking origami classes at school this month. As she got out of the car this morning, her box of finished origami projects went flying. And her brother went running all through the car pool lane to catch them and pick them up for her. All while she cried, "No buddy! Be careful! Buddy, come back!"

(She really does call him Buddy.)

The whole incident made me smile. They're good kids who love each other. Enough to risk getting hit by a car for the sake of a few precious bits of folded paper.

I haven't messed them up too bad.

And this afternoon I joined my daughter for lunch at school. It was chicken pot pie. Yum. I have always loved school food.

I talked to other moms and was, like, completely normal.

To top it off, tonight's violin classes are canceled due to flooding. Woo hoo.

As long as we don't float away here I feel like it is the start of a very good change. I'll flush out my bad feelings as I flush out my unused womb.

And then I'll worry about cleaning the house.

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