Monday, June 12, 2006

Privileged Information

There are certain unavoidable truths about parenthood that nobody tells you. You have to figure them out for yourself. And they suck!

No parent will tell the childless about these things because misery loves company and they want you on their team.

But I've decided to start a list. Let's bring on the truth. The world has enough kids already.

First, it will take you a minimum of forty-five minutes to open any new toy.

I don't know why manufacturers feel the need to use industrial strength adhesives and space age twine to package baby dolls and wooden trains. But I know I'll be sawing through them with the junk drawer scissors while a kid stands at my shoulder and whines, "Can I have my toy yet?" over and over.

Second, without fail, just when you want to make a good impression, your kids will do something gross or embarrassing.

Like they will leave a softball-size poop in a diaper that one time you ask a friend to babysit. Or, like today, they will pee all over the picnic lunch a new friend so thoughtfully provided.

And third, they may go to bed every night by seven p.m. and never make a peep until morning. But that one night that you really need them to go to bed on time, they will build forts, play games, and act out epic adventures.

Like tonight.

Damn offspring. My parents are on their way.

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