Thursday, June 16, 2005

Man and Dog

I'm sad today.

I went to bed sad last night, and I woke up sad this morning.

There's nothing in the world I hate more than being sad. I'd rather be pissed off or bored or cranky or horny or hell, just about anything but sad.

Because sad is the most hopeless emotion.

I miss my husband. I miss him in a different way than I do when he's deployed. For one thing, when he's in the US, I can talk to him for hours on the phone. Having him still be a part of my everyday life makes me miss having everyday unlimited physical access to him.

That sounds dirty. But what I mean is that I miss holding his hand whenever I want. And tackling him for a hug whenever the mood strikes me. And poking him in the stomach and shoulders until he pays attention to me. And kissing the nape of his neck just because it belongs to me and I get to do that.

But we chose to spend these few weeks apart. We're extremely lucky that we live the kind of lifestyle that allows us to do this. I guess, for us a few weeks separation seems like nothing. I don't regret coming here. Not at all! The kids are sucking up grandparent time and I am getting lots of me time. And I'm having a great time with Patrick during the rare hours that he's not working. And I'm going to get to see one of my best college friends really soon.

But I miss him. And he misses me. And I can't wait until he can join us.

And he'll bring Buffy with him. I actually miss her more than I thought I would.

Buffy isn't doing so well. After a month of medication for her liver problem, her tests actually came back worse than before. Not good.

My husband is taking her to an internist next week. The hardest part of this for me is just not knowing what is wrong with her. Can we manage it with medication? Can we fix it with surgery? Will she live just a couple of years before her liver fails? It's the not-knowing that is always the hardest for me. I can deal with anything, I just need to know what I'm dealing with.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be so upset over a potential problem with my dog. There are so many worse things that happen to people in life. But I think you can understand. She's just a helpless little baby. And she has the best personality. Why did this have to happen to her?

Okay, so this is like the fifth time I've cried in two days. And for once, I can't blame it on PMS or war.

I'll probably be perfectly happy tomorrow. But for now, I'm going to revel in the fact that the workmen are finally hooking up my stove and drier. The Terminex man has come to kill the termites. The exterminator has taken care of the spiders. I have hot water, heat, and air conditioning.

And my man and my dog will be here in two weeks. It doesn't get any better than that.

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