Sunday, October 30, 2005

Cost analysis keeps me up at night.

After I put the kids to bed last night, I was so tired tired that I could not even function.

I couldn't even form words. I felt almost like I was drunk.

But I do that sometimes. I go for weeks or even months without enough rest and then one day, bam. It hits me hard.

So after attempting to argue with my husband about it for a while, I finally decided that it just might be best to go to bed at 8 p.m.

I fell asleep right away. But I had weird dreams. And I woke up at 11:00 p.m. and could not go back to sleep.

My husband came home from his hockey game at about midnight, and there I was, just lying in our bed staring wide-eyed up at the ceiling.

"You look miserable," he told me. "Can I get you anything?"

I shooed him off to the shower. "No, I just can't sleep."

When he got out of the shower he stood beside the bed looking down at me.

"You have a lot on your mind, don't you?" he asked.

I looked at him for a moment, thinking it over.

"Do I?"

I do.

I hadn't even realized just how much I had on my mind until I saw it reflected in my husband's eyes.

It's the little things and the big things, all swirling together in my mind and heart, keeping me awake and keeping me scared.

I've been thinking about returning to the freelance writing world. Not because I really want to. But because I crave the financial security it could provide. I made a lot of money writing before my son was born.

But what would it cost me to start working again? It hardly seems worth it.

"I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do," my husband told me. "But if you want to go back to writing, you should. Just don't do it for the money. Unless the money is that important to you."

Money is about all I have on my mind lately. Not just our money situation, but the money situations of people I love. Money, money, money. I'm so sick of feeling like I've lost control of our financial life.

It would be so easy to start working again. I've got the contacts and the portfolio to get started right away. But dealing with the clients almost drove me insane the last time around. And I don't think it is worth it again.

I've got to remember, it's not just money that matters, but the cost.

I won't let my kids pay for my financial fears even one little bit.

They go to a private school. It's all paid for. They live in a nice house in a wonderful neighborhood. That's all paid for too. They have enough food to eat and clothes to wear. What more could they need?

I'll tell you what they need. They need a mother who has enough energy to nurture them. They need a mother who has enough time to play silly games. They need a mother who practices violin with them, and cheers at their soccer games, and sings with them, and cooks with them, and reads to them, and...and...and...

...and who makes them the priority in her life.

There's only one thing more important to me than my kids, and that's my marriage.

I guess that's my answer, huh? No freelancing for me. Not now anyway.

Now if only I could stop obsessing about money.

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