Some Things Just Shouldn't Be 2-in-1

I spent the entire morning helping forty first graders draw curriculum-specific pictures on quilt squares. And then I babysat them while their teacher went to lunch.

If I have to talk to one more seven-year-old today, I'm going to freaking lose it.

This damn blog has been so mommified lately, it's scary. I definitely need to take a break from all the mom stuff I've been doing and concentrate on the wife stuff for a while.

Wife stuff can be hella fun.

Last night my husband helped me cut out the fifty-something squares of muslin fabric that we needed and iron freezer paper on to the back of them.

"Who knew?" I asked him. "Who knew that you could iron freezer paper on fabric to make quilts?"

"Well, your mother did," he replied. If it wasn't for my mother, I never would have gotten involved in this project in the first place.

"I guess. I never would have imagined it though."

"You need to be more crafty," he told me.

"Ha!" I scoffed. "I have a feeling that women who are into crafts aren't so good in bed."*

"Why's that?" he wanted to know.

"Because if they were good in bed, they'd find better ways to spend their time than with this shit!"

"Like how?" he asked. "Masturbating?"

"Well, yeah!" I replied.

"Or falling asleep while masturbating?"

"Oh, real funny. But wouldn't you rather I masturbate and be all sexual than be obsessed with quilts and scrapbooks and stamps and stuff?" I asked.

"Well, it is less expensive," was his answer.

He hasn't seen the vibrator I have my eye on yet.

But he did ask me about a Valentine's Day gift.

"Would you like some KY 2-in-1 Touch Warming Sensations body massage and personal lubricant for Valentine's Day?" he yelled to me from the bedroom.

And I yelled back, "Oh my GOD! Have you seen that stuff?"

Then I went on a tirade.

"When they first advertised it, is was just as a personal lubricant that could also be used as a massage oil. But then they turned it into this whole 2-in-1 massage oil stuff. Who the hell wants to be massaged with lube? You might as well crack open the Astro-glide or Anal Eze. I've been meaning to blog about this. Who are the women who are buying this stuff?"

"So, is that a no?"

"ACK!"

"It comes in flavors now too. Are you sure you don't want some?" he asked.

"That depends," I told him. "Are you going to give me a great massage?"

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Well, I'll massage one area," he said.

I laughed at him, but now I'm thinking...maybe some Secret Grove wouldn't be so bad after all.
******

*This, of course, does not apply to any craft-loving women (or men,I suppose) who read this blog. No. You are perfect in every way. I'm just jealous of your talent. Really