What Not to Send

Alternately entitled: I'm Bitchy Times 3

When December 25th came and went without any of those horrific Christmas letters in my mailbox, I thought the practice had finally been put out of its misery.

But, nope. I have received three of them in the days since Christmas, each pathetic and disturbing in its own way.

First arrived a novel from AH. Does anyone remember AH? She's the one who I yelled at for complaining constantly that she wanted her unborn son to be a girl. She's the one whose husband got a vasectomy against her wishes.

The text of her Christmas letter was justified both left and right. It went from about a quarter inch from the top of the paper to within a quarter inch of the bottom of the paper. Without a single paragraph break. It was just a red and green bordered paper completely full of 9 point type words. Single spaced.

I didn't even bother trying to read it. Since her daughter was my daughter's friend, I handed the thing to my kid and said, "Here, you can read this if you want." She didn't read it either.

The next was from a military wife friend I've never blogged about because she moved before I started this waste of cyber space. My friends and I called her family The Dog and Pony Show because she was always showing off her kids' tricks. She would brag and brag about how people always told her that her baby girl should be a model. She even "looked into it."

I always sort of shook my head at that one. I didn't think her kid was especially cute. But what do I know? I tend to look at people sort of differently anyway.

Well, she included a picture in her letter and OH MY GOD! Her kid looks like an alien. Seriously, that's a face only a mother could love. I wonder how her dog and pony show is doing now-a-days.

The last is from my good friend CB. Except I haven't talked to her since she moved away. Their family lives in Hawaii now. (The bitches) So she wrote Mele Kalikimaka (everybody sing it now!) down the side of the paper and started each sentence with the coordinating letter.

Gag.

But okay, I'll forgive her that. She's a former elementary teacher after all. But all the references to how god helped them do this and Jesus allowed them to do that and how we should all be praying for this and that got really old after just a few lines.

Still, okay. She's really religious. I knew that about her before. Then she wrote something I can't forgive.

"RB ran three marathons this year and CB finished three triathlons and two half marathons..."

What? She's a runner now? What the hell! Doesn't she know that makes me hate her on principle?

Where the hell do I get these friends?

And for all of you blog visitors who find this post every November and December by Googling "How to start a Christmas letter" I have one piece of advice for you.

Don't! Your friends will only making fun of you behind your back. Trust me.