Let's Be Honest

Okay, let's be honest. First of all, if I hadn't written that post last night, I never would have written on my blog again. It was do or die.

I have been suffering from intense writer's block, but only because I've been so fucked up lately.

I'm trying really hard to give myself credit here. Whenever I feel down for more than a couple of days, I worry that something more is wrong with me. I've seen too many people suffer with depression, and I just don't want to go down that path.

But I have to cut myself some slack. Moving was hard. I miss my friends and my comfortable life. I miss being the person in the know. I miss being the person everyone counted on. I really liked being that person.

Creating a new reputation for yourself sucks. Nobody gives you the benefit of the doubt when you're just that new mom at school. Or that new neighbor who doesn't know how to garden.

I've lived within the uber safety of a military base for too long.

I find that I am inexplicably nervous about going out at night. I don't want to get gas or pick up groceries once it is dark out. I have never been fearful before. I walk all around New York City but I'm afraid to venture out in Virginia Beach! That's stupid!

My natural shyness and fear of judgement is in hyper drive. I've forced myself to go to the new parent orientation and a beach party at school, but I don't talk to anyone.

I put off RSVPing to a blogger's party because I was too nervous to go by myself and I was waiting to see if my husband would be home from his TDY in time to go with me. And then I completely forgot about it. I feel so bad, first for being rude and second for missing the opportunity to make friends. (And third for writing about it here before I sent said blogger a note of apology.)

Ack. I could very easily fall into a pool of the I-hate-myselves right now. I'm trying very hard to give myself time and slack.

On the positive side, I love where I'm living and I see lots of potentially happy days ahead. I'm, as always, very happy with my family. We laugh all the time.

The biggest news around here right now is that the kids and I have practiced violin for 65 days in a row. We took a 100 Days of Practice challenge and we're really kicking it up a notch. In fact, just the other night when my daughter got in trouble for throwing a fit, she started crying that she didn't want to miss violin practice. You've got to love that. If we hit 365 days of practice in a row, we're going to Hawaii.

On the extremely positive side, tomorrow is the first day of school! Woo hoo! Actually, they had a special day for new students last Wednesday and my son had a half day on Friday. But tomorrow is the first official full day of school.

I'll be peeling rubber out of that parking lot tomorrow morning.

I have to admit, I love having two elementary school-aged kids. I don't miss the days of diapers and preschool at all. I've loved every stage of their growing up and I have no regrets. I can't wait to see what this year will bring.

With 1000 posts under my belt on this here blog, I really thought about hanging it all up. I always swore that I wouldn't let it just fade away, so I either had to throw myself into it wholeheartedly, or let it go.

I've decided to throw myself into it wholeheartedly. Let's be honest. The truth is that I need my blog now more than ever.

With the kids back in school, look for daily writing from me once again. It won't all be brilliant, but it will be something. Something I need.