Making Babies

"Mommy, do you have to be married to have a baby?" my daughter asked today on the way to school.

I sort of skated around that one. I didn't want to lie, but I concluded with a hearty, "But let's assume you'll be married before you have a baby."

"But, how does a baby get in your tummy?"

Ah, this is it. This is the moment of truth. The moment I've been expecting and dreading for seven years. Except my son was in the car too. And while they both want answers to this question, they both need very different levels of disclosure.

"Honey, I will absolutely tell you about that, but this isn't a good time, okay. We'll talk about it later."

She was happy with that answer.

So I was telling a friend this little story tonight and I said, "So now I have to think of an answer."

"They have books for that," he replied.

Ah, I think he's on to something. She can read now. She might as well put that skill to work.

Besides, that's how my mom taught me everything I ever needed to know. When she noticed that I was getting underarm hair, she gave me a book called Our Bodies, Ourselves. She told me to read it and then ask questions. I was too embarrassed to look at the pictures.

But when I was about nine or ten I saw a movie called Neighbors on HBO. In the movie, a woman gave a man a blow job under the covers. And so I thought oral sex was sex. I knew you had to have sex to make a baby and I figured the mouth was the quickest point of entry to the stomach.

I thought blow jobs were sex until I was actually old enough to have sex. I think I finally figured it out from watching a horrible 70's porno with my first real boyfriend. I guess I should have looked at those pictures in Our Bodies, Ourselves a little closer.

It's a good thing it wasn't an anal sex video. I'd still be childless.