Things I've Learned Since My Surgery

1. Did you know that your face can swell so much that your pores will stretch to their limits?
2. Did you know that when your pores stretch that much they stop working?
3. Did you know that they would then secrete oils onto your face?
4. Did you know that this will prompt your mother to ask, "Did you put some sort of cream on your face? That's good."
5. Did you know that when your upper-jaw is moved forward they actually lift your nose away from your face?
6. Did you know that this will cause your nose to bleed and run for at least a week?
7. Did you know that you would lose feeling in your nose and face?
8. Did you know that when you have no feeling in your face that you can't tell if your nose is running until it reaches your tastebuds?
9. Did you know that you would have to be on a liquid diet?
10. Did you know what a liquid diet does to your bowels?
11. Did you know that liquid bowel movements are really hard to control?
12. Did you know that every time you read Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven it will cause you to crap your pants? (Damn you.)
13. Did you know that you wouldn't be able to talk on the phone?
14. Did you know that this would make you feel really detached from your friends and loved ones?
15. Did you know that mumbling about your jaw surgery to a telemarketer will make them feel really, really bad for calling?
16. Did you know that every single time you mention your surgery to someone they will completely ignore all of the pain and suffering you've been subjected to and immediately exclaim, "You're so lucky! You'll lose so much weight!"
17. Did you know that your feelings will be a little hurt that everyone thinks you need to lose so much weight?
18. Did you know that you'll actually only lose about 10 pounds before all the milkshakes you've been drinking will start putting the pounds back on?
19. Did you know that the lack of vitamins in your diet would cause your hair to fall out?
20. Did you know that the people who love you will love even more, even though you are cranky, mute, snotty, fat, and hairless.

MWUAH!

Love you guys. Happy Thanksgiving!