Vowels of Love

There's this guy at the gym...

No. This isn't a letter to Penthouse.

There's this guy at the gym that freaks me out. He's your typical muscle dude type. He travels in packs. He lifts way too fast with really bad form. He looks in the mirror a lot. You know the type.

But he has this weird noise that he makes that makes me really embarrassed for him.

Now, a lot of guys will make a kind of ahhh sound as they're pushing out the last few reps in a set. I've even heard the occasional "Argh!" But this guy lets loose with a string of very high pitched eee, eee, eee's.

He sounds like a woman practicing Lamaze. "He, he, ho...he, he, ho..." Except he sounds like he's in more pain. And has more estrogen.

He might have a built body and all, but even if I could use his eee, eee, eee! method to look like Jessica Alba, I don't think it's worth the embarrassment.

But his eee's have me thinking about something.

Have you ever noticed that everyone has his or her own favorite vowel sound that emerges without conscience thought when in the throes of passion? In other words, have you ever noticed that everyone has his or her own sex sound?

First there are the A's. "Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!"

Then, much like muscle boy from the gym, there are the E's. "Eee! Eee! Eee!"

You can't forget the I's, most often made by a racially stereotyped Latino (or Latina) in porn. "Eye! Eye! Eye!...IIIIIII'm coming!"

Then there is my personal favorite, the O's. "Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh! OH!!! Oh, shit." Or, "Ooooo, ooooo, ooooo. Right there!"

Last but not least, are the U's, most often uttered as ,"Ummmmm." Or sometimes heard as the not-so-popular, "Ugh."

Of course these vowel lovers are also augmented by people who hum, "Mmmmmm," and freaks who talk in full sentences. What the hell's up with those people? Oh, and let's not forget the completely silent types. (I can't. I married one.) Or the religious types. "Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Lord. I'm coming!"

So, while I was busting my ass on the treadmill to the soundtrack of muscle boy's girly orgasm, I was wondering this:

Can you characterize lovers by the sounds that escape them in the moment of truth?

Will an "O" make a good partner? Will an "mmmm" be indulgent? Will the silent type be faithful?

Let's take a poll. What sound do you make? (Go get busy and report back.) And what kind of lover are you? Let's share.

This all goes to prove one thing.

I think way too much while I exercise.