Monday, January 12, 2009

The F Word

A few nights ago I woke in the middle of the night because I was fuming mad. In my dream, an elderly neighbor yelled the word "faggot" at someone.

I no longer remember the details of the dream. I just know that I was pissed off. I sort of remember that I was marching up to the old woman to rip her a new one when my husband stepped in front of me and handled the situation much more politely.

But I never really went back to sleep after the dream woke me up. I tossed and turned all night. I dozed but I was constantly trying to figure out the right thing to say or do in that situation. I also kept trying to compose a blog post. How sad is that?

That night, the situation was so real to me. I was so fucking angry.

I haven't been quite right since then.

My sleep is all fucked up. My mood is an abomination. I've been no good to anyone. I've had a horrible headache going on five days now.

It's one thing when I can point to stuff going on in my life and blame it for my mood. But it's another thing when I feel this bad and I can't pinpoint why. I wonder if it's the medicine I've been taking to fight this headache that is making me feel so bad.

I'm so sick of being me right now. I need a break from myself.

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