Friday, March 25, 2005

Sliding Again

I have been happily floating along in my little life here, assuming that the depression I felt during the first month of my husband's deployment was a thing of the past. I was chalking it all up to the aftereffects of the anesthesia from my surgery and the very valid concerns for my family.

But now, I feel myself sliding again. This time, I've learned enough to stop and evaluate. What is going on with me? Why do I feel like all I want to do is sleep? Why is it so hard to drag myself out of bed just to change a diaper or make a meal?

And I've realized something. I'm not depressed. I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.

I think there is a fine line between the two.

When I was depressed in January, I felt like it was chemical--like I wanted to be happy, but my brain chemistry just couldn't pull it off.

Now I just feel like I've been feeling too much. There is too much going on. But not with me. It's dealing with everyone else's emotions that is making me so tired.

The kids. God. They miss their Daddy. It is affecting their personalities. And they're both still sick. Yes, still. They feel like they're stuck here in our filthy house, missing out on everything fun in life.

The husband. Well, he misses us. He wants to provide solutions for all of our problems, and that just isn't possible. And he's frustrated.

The family. All I can do is shake my head at this one. My parents and my brother's family have all these conflicts. My parents have all these health concerns. There is nothing I can do for any of them. And they all walk on verbal eggshells around me.

The friends. Even this thing with my husband's friend's wife has got me feeling too much. I feel like I'm chained down here on this damn bayou, when all I want to do is teleport around to hug my friends.

Okay. I may be a little low on adult human contact right now. And it makes me shut down a little.

It felt like the time was just flying by, but now time has thrown on the breaks and come to a screeching halt.

Maybe it is only slowing down so that I can catch up.

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