Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Putting the Self in Selfish

I'm thinking a lot today. I'm wondering about myself. My lifestyle doesn't normally lend itself to a lot of introspection, but I've spent so much time alone lately.

Am I selfish?

It is the question I can't seem to get out of my head. Am I?

What really motivates me?

I've been cruising through this deployment relatively easily. Experience has taught me how I need to handle things and how often I need to distract myself. Nothing especially hard or awful has happened today, yet I've found myself with tears in my eyes three times.

I'm not even sure why!

I was chatting with my husband online today (aren't I lucky to be able to do that?) and he mentioned that there are about 120 days left in this deployment. Because everything in life is relative, that doesn't seem like a long time. But his last deployment was only 120 days long. And that felt like forever!

He's found out when he should be coming home. His conservative estimate is late January. He already knows who is replacement will be and she already has her training dates.

I feel both like time is going too slow and too fast. I feel sorry for myself that I still have about four months to go until he gets home. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I'm also feeling that the time has gone too quickly and I haven't' accomplished anything.

Either way, notice how it's all about me? Am I this selfish? Am I?

Why am I so annoyed with the world? When will this stop?

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