The Wall

I have to admit that I've been seeing it coming for a while now. It's been out there, just beyond my sight, taunting me.

And today I hit it. I hit the wall.

I hit it nose first with a full-on, resounding smack.

It's funny because just this weekend I mentioned to my friends that the longer my husband has been deployed, the more easily annoyed I have become. I was ready to crack heads because the soccer team that had the field before us wouldn't move off of it for their post-game meeting.

Hello? There are other people in the world besides you!

But it is fairly normal for me to be annoyed by discourteous people. The wall I hit today was not normal.

I am over it. I am done. I am sick of being a single parent. I am done with my husband working a dangerous job. I am finished with being alone. I need a break.

Today, I went up to the kids' school to help with a room mother's project in the morning. It was supposed to take us an hour to tear enough fabric strips to make 20 pioneer rag dolls. But only two other moms showed up and I spent the entire day at school. By the time I got the kids home, I was done with this day.

Instead of jumping right into violin practice with my son, I cuddled up next to him on my bed to watch cartoons. And I was out like a light. I was gone to the world until the kids woke me up at 6 to help them make the pizza I had stupidly told them we'd bake for dinner. If ever there was a night for PB&J, it was tonight.

I'm just so tired. Tired of being alone, tired of making a thousand little decisions every day, tired of people asking me when my husband is coming home, tired of being depended upon, tired of missing my husband, tired of answering questions and tired of getting up so early every morning.

While I was sleeping this afternoon, I had a dream that my husband came home for a one day visit. And I was too busy writing a story about the local high school football team to spend any time with him.

This is the real face of deployment for a spouse, I think. It's keeping it together for months, losing it for an afternoon, and picking up all the pieces again by dinner time.

Tonight I'm sending the kids off to bed and turning in early. Hopefully I'll have extricated myself from this wall before I wake up to face another day.