How many of you are without Valentines today? Show of hands? Anyone?
Well, I have the perfect solution. Hire me to be your Valentine. Man, woman, gay, straight. It doesn't matter. I've got just what you need, baby.
First and foremost, I won't interpret your Valentine mushy-goodness as true love. Because I have true love. My true love just isn't available to be my Valentine today. So feel free to lay it on thick. I can recognize holiday-induced desperation when I smell it.
I also like to give gifts just as much as I like to receive them. What's your pleasure? All you have to do is hint that you might like something and I'll go embarrassingly overboard in getting it for you. It's just the way I am.
But I'm a great gift-receiver too. The smallest sentiment means so much to me. Chocolate, flowers, jewelry, cards, anything homemade, even household appliances. I will love and appreciate them all. And I've got impressive ways to show my appreciation.
And how would you like to spend the night? Dinner and dancing? Woo hoo. I'm all over that. Quiet night at home watching movies? Awww. I'd love that too. A wild night of monkey loving? Oops. Sorry. I have to draw the line there. But if you want, I can hang out and videotape your Internet hook-up. Then hand him (or her) a heart-shaped box of chocolates and kick his (or her) ass to the curb.
Because isn't that what a good Valentine is for? Catering to your desires while protecting your heart.
While I'll take cold hard cash as payment, I'll also settle for a hug and a promise of friendship. Because I'm a little lonely here. But I'm more loved than ten women deserve.
Let's share in the mushy-goodness, hmmmm?
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