Monday, November 21, 2005

Be happy! Damnit!

My husband claims that I am not a happy person. Of course there is nothing in the world that makes me unhappier than his saying that. But he hasn't seemed to catch on to that little tid bit yet.

I wholeheartedly disagree with him.

Yes, I don't sleep well. And sleepless nights leave me cranky and lethargic. But in general, I am very happy.

But I've learned something. When you're in a relationship, you can only be as happy as the least happy partner.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

And so I've realized that in these last couple of year of hearing over and over again from the man I love, "You're never happy," and "Why don't I make you happy?" maybe what he is really saying is, "I'm not happy," and "Why don't you make me happy?"

So fuck that shit. I'm sick of it. I have bags under my eyes that droop to my chin and more stress-induced acne than I sported at 16.

I can't make everyone happy. I can't make my mother happy with my choices in friends and plumbers (It's a long story.) I can't take care of my friends' every problem. I can't force my children to be happy with every parental decision I make.

And I can't make my husband happy just by willing it so.

But I know what I can do.

I can stop trying to struggle through his problems with him. I know this sounds counter-intuitive to good relationship skills, but I think it will work better for us.

If he's struggling with his weight and health issues. Fine. I can't fix that for him. But I can fix it for me. On my own. I can go to Weight Watchers every week. I can take the kids out for "fun runs". I can cook myself healthy dinners even though I know he won't be home to share them with me. And I can eat ice cream guilt free, secure in the knowledge that I've planned it all into a healthy meal plan.

If he's struggling with a bunch of crap going on at work. Fine. I can't fix that for him. But I can get organized myself and take the stress out of my "work" life. I can be on top of things enough to do the things I enjoy. Like writing. Oh, and going to the gym. See how it all works together.

For too long I've been projected my insecurities on him. And letting him project his insecurities on me. No more. I'm done with that.

But here's the zinger. I know, for a fact, that if I'm getting healthier, happier, and more productive, he will too. He follows my lead. I've known this for a long time. But I think I just didn't want to admit it.

Because, you know what? Being happy for the both of us is a big freaking responsibility. And I'm not sure I can handle the pressure.

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