We were eating dinner at the dining room table the other night. (We do that, occasionally.) I have family portraits on the buffet and the wall in that room, and the kids love to look at them.
Son: (Looking at our wedding picture) Mommy, I was so happy for you when you got married.
Daughter: Buddy, you weren't around yet when they got married. You weren't born yet.
Son: Oh. Mommy, when are you going to get married again so I can see you?
Me: Never, Honey. You only get married once. (pause) Well, you only get married once if you marry the right person.
Daughter: But what if you don't marry the right person?
Me: Well... (looking at my husband for support!) That's why you have to make sure you marry the right person. Like I married Daddy.
Daughter: But how do you know who the right man is to marry?
Husband: (Laughing!) You just asked a question for the ages, Honey.
Daughter: Well...how do you know? (Looking at me)
Me: Stop laughing! When you love someone as much as I love Daddy, you'll just know that they are the right person.
Husband: (Laughing harder!)
Me: Okay. Yes. That was the same thing my mother told me, and it didn't answer my question either.
Son: I'm going to get married! I'm going to marry the right person.
Me: Yeah, Buddy. Who are you going to marry?
Son: (Looking me over, than turning to his sister) My sister!
Daughter: You can't marry someone in your family, Bud.
Son: Yes I can. But, Mommy? I'm not old enough to drive yet, so will you drive us to getting married?
Husband: (Laughing so hard he's snorting now)
So, I thought this was a pretty cute story. Today I had the choice to either masturbate or call my friend Patrick. But I hadn't talked to Patrick in a few days and I have sex every night so...
Me: Oh, the kids said the cutest thing. (Blah, blah, blah and I tell him the story) And she said, "But how do you know who the right man is to marry?"
Patrick: The one with the biggest dick.
Patrick: Tell her, "The one who makes the most money and has the biggest dick."
Me: My husband's going to kick your ass, you know.
I should have just masturbated.