Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Mighty Aphrodite

My kids are both obsessed with Greek mythology right now. My daughter is obsessed with the Percy Jackson books and my son just completed a really in depth and creative unit of study on ancient Greece at school.

It's almost scary how much they know.

So they like to talk about the gods. A lot.

Last night in the car they were trying to pick what god was most like each family member. After debated for a while I decided to try and make them laugh.

"Well, I think I'm most like Aphrodite!" I announced.

I got three vastly different yet simultaneous reactions.

My husband rolled his eyes at me. (He doesn't think I'm funny.)

My daughter yelled out, "No way! You're not self conscience about your looks. You don't care about appearances at all!" (I'm kind of glad she noticed.)

And my son said with much relief, "That's right! Because you're so beautiful."

Guess which one of them gets clean laundry, extra helpings of dessert and help cleaning his room.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

When I Grow Up

If I had life to do all over again, I think I would become an orthodontist.

I had a consultation with my son's orthodontist this week and I found it absolutely fascinating. He's a very interesting guy anyway*, and I think he kind of likes me and the kids, so he took a long time to show me how they figure out all this ortho stuff. It was all angles and time lines and math and pretty pictures.


Besides, what better job could there be than to help people smile and laugh and talk and eat without feeling pain or self-conscience?

(Okay, I'm sure there are more noble jobs, but they all sound hard.)

A friend of ours who was an ER doctor (who left the hospital to start a fat clinic, by the way) always tells his son, "Become an orthodontist, not a doctor. You'll make all of the money with half the work and stress."

That sounds good to me. Tuna Boy thinks it sounds good too. Now he's thinking he'll have something to fall back on if his Hollywood stardom should fall through.


*Here are some other reasons I find the orthodontist "interesting":

1) He highly approves of my son's name. It is his own son's name and he likes to go on about what a great name it is. So, he has good taste.

2) He showed me charts of my child's perceived beauty. Apparently, his facial features are symmetrical and his profile is "classic" which equals a "very attractive" face. So, the orthodontist has quantified the superiority of our genes. That's always a good trait in a person.

3) I've never known an orthodontist who didn't own a yacht. Yachts are cool.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Planning Ahead

Last night my husband asked me, "What would you like...(long pause)...for Valentine's Day?"

I thought he might be asking about what I wanted for my birthday at first. For that I had a prepared answer. But for Valentine's Day?

"I don't know. Actually, flowers or candy would be nice."

See. I'm easy.

Then I asked him, "What would you like?"

What am I? Stupid?

What a pointless question to ask a man. I know what he wants.


A blow job.

More sex.

Sex with accouterments.

A little more sex.

And sleep.

But, that sounds like a lot of work to me.

I'm baking him brownies.

He likes brownies.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Preventing Infection

You know when you have a small cut, or a bit of a scratch, like scraped knees or over-itched skin?

You know how it hurts, but not too bad? It's just an annoyance.

Until you decide that you should do the right thing, the smart thing, and clean that wound with soap?

And then it burns like a fucker?

That's what my life has been like this last month.

Most things are fine. Great even. But there have been, as there always are, a few small annoyances.

Until I tried to do the right thing, the smart thing, and deal with those annoyances in an adult, straight-forward manner.

And, man, has it burned.

It's interesting though, at least to me, how these burns have affected me. I am actually more grateful and thankful for my life than ever before.

I've had a hard time dealing with people lately. Because people are stupid, mean, or petty. And I'm not.

People bounce checks to me and I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about money like they do. People are rude and I'm just glad that I have a reputation of being polite. (In real life, anyway. I get all of my rudeness out here.) People are turning their children into little shit losers and I'm just glad that I'm not.

I've got love, security, loyalty, happiness and family. And I'm learning that most people don't. Who knew? But more, I'm learning that some people who have all of those things still somehow manage to rip the misery from the jaws of joy. They revel in nastiness.

I'm not going to let people infect me with their nastiness. Uh uh. Not me.

I'm getting some hurt-free Neosporin and a Band-aid, baby! I know where the good people are. And I'm sticking with them.