Number 2) People often think I am a lesbian.
Me: That guy looks like Matt Damon.
Incredibly Annoying Cruise Mate: Where? I didn't notice.
Me: I spend a lot of time looking at men. You should know that.
Incredibly Annoying Cruise Mate: Well, I guess that proves you're not a lesbian.
Me: Was there a question?
Number 3) People assume I am a lesbian because I don't wear make up or spend more than two minutes on my hair.
Number 4) People who know I am actually straight assume that I don't wear make up or do my hair because I just don't know any better. These people will feel sorry for me and try to educate me.
Number 5) Standing in a swaying hallway and yelling at your best friend, "You just don't get it! I DON'T CARE how my hair looks. Leave it alone!" will shock your friend.
Number 6) Other stay-at-home moms actually consider it their "jobs" to do housework. I am the only stay-at-home mom in existence who doesn't believe this. Saying to your stay-at-home mom friends, "My job is to raise my children, not be a maid," will piss them off.
Number 7) My friends are stupid. They will spend a day on a Mexican beach with absolutely no sunblock on and then be proud of their sunburns. Until they realize that the mesh and wave designs on the cleavage area of their suits is now burned into their skin.
Number 8) I am stupid. I will walk and walk to buy a bottle of Mexican sunblock (where the highest SPF they have is 15) when I already had a bottle of SPF 50 stuck in my bag.
Number 9) When wrapping yourself in a beach towel while walking to buy sunblock to avoid getting sunburned, you should try and cover your cleavage.
Number 10) When submerging yourself in a 62 degree underground river, it is best to just jump right in. But you should push your girly friends in first so that they don't hem and haw for upwards of thirty minutes.
Number 11) I have truly learned the meaning of high maintenance.
Number 12) When traveling with four high maintenance female friends, it is best to befriend the service staff and pass out tips like candy.
Number 13) My friends may become infamous shipwide for being high maintenance, dressing like rich women, and staying in a luxury suite...but they are hopelessly cheap.
Number 14) When cheap women want to make a tip seem impressive, they package it like this.
Number 15) I may not look it, but I have a lot of class.
Some (hopefully) entertaining stories to follow.
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