Phoning it in...

My husband wrote this post and E-mailed it to me from his undisclosed location.

A Break for my Tuna Girl

I was asked by my wife to write a blog to give her a break, so I am. I really don’t know how much of a break I really am giving her for many reasons. First, she is writing my paper. I am currently in the middle of a class and it is getting to the end on the semester and I have my paper due. Well, knowing how well I write, or not write as the case may be, I asked my wife to “help” me with my paper. This way I will ensure that I get a passing grade. So for the last week she has been up until the wee hours of the morning helping me out.

I have a funny story to tell about the Tuna Girl and our first date. It really all starts a few days earlier. We worked at the same grocery store along with her mother. Well, one day the three of us were working and her mother asks if I can drive TG home from work. Being the nice guy that I am I said OK. I drove her home and we had a nice long talk and I got her phone number so I could call her later. When I was younger I had very high situational awareness. NOT. It turns out they (TG and her mother) were conspiring to get TG and I together. I did not have any clue until about a year later when we were talking and the subject came up. So our first date was not anything remarkable. We watched a movie, she kicked my ass at ping pong, nothing really to say about the actual date, but picking her up…that is where the fun started.

I talked to TG on the phone and made arrangements to pick her up at her house and before we hung up the phone for the night she said to me, “My father will be there when you pick me up and he is a cop.” I replied, “OK.” We said good bye and that was the end of it.

Now to go off on a tangent, I was a little nervous meeting her father but I had taken out many girls and met their parent. In high school, parents did not really see me as a threat to their daughters. I was that responsible one who could get you to stay out later because parents would always say, “You’re going out with TM? He is a nice boy. Stay out as late as you want.” And I always went to the door to meet the parents rather than staying in the car, so I had experience working parents to get what I wanted. Why should this be and different on my first date with TG.

Before that day I never had met or seen her father, but I knew her mother. She is a nice woman, very sweet and caring and easy to get along with. So I drove up to the house a little nervous (it is TG you know). Walking up the driveway, I thought to myself I have this half beat. I already know her mother. I just have to meet her father.

I walk up the porch, put on my best game face and ring the door bell. TG’s mother answered the door and invited me in. Well, like a girl TG was not ready and waiting for me down stairs so I stepped into the kitchen and her mother said “I will go get her for you.” Now I am in the door, but just barely. The main door is open and the screen door is closed behind me. My eyes start to focus and at this time TG’s mother said “This is TM”. There he was. TG’s father.

Let’s talk size for a second; I knew TG and her mother. TG was about 5 foot 7 and 120 lbs. (Ed. note: I'm actually 5'4". 16 years later and see how well he knows me!) Her mother is shorter than that. I hadn’t met her brother until after this night. So they are not very big people.

TG’s father was eating dinner at the table. Let’s talk about the kitchen. It is about a 15 X 20 room with the table taking up most of it. The table was to the right of the door and there was just enough room at the end by the door to fit a very small person. Where you walked in the kitchen was a 3ft path between the counter and the table. This was a tight space. Me standing just inside the door, I was like two feet away from TG’s father.

TG’s mother introduces me and her father did not say a word. I looked over at him to say hi and something witty and what is hanging off the back of his chair…..his 9mm hand gun. I said hi in a nice quiet voice and stood their hoping TG would hurry up before he kills me for taking out his daughter. While the days passed and I waited for TG to come rescue me in the kitchen, her father finishes eating dinner and gets up from the table and there is a 6ft 8in, 300 lbs giant standing in front of me. I think I hurt my neck looking up at him. He looked at me and grunted. TG has really good timing. She was rounding the table squeezed by her father grabbed me by the arm and said, “I will be back by 1 am.” I thought to myself, “HELL NO! We will be back by 9 pm.”

The rest of the date, like I said, was nothing to comment about. We had a lot of fun.

So at the end of the date we compromised. I brought her home around 11 pm and like the gentleman I am, I walked her up to the door, TG invited me in (I was not about to face that man in the dark!!) and I politely refused because it was getting late.

So that was the first time I met my now father-in-law. The only thing that has really changed from that first date is he does not carry the gun anymore.

TM