Ramble On, Tuna Style

Strap in, boys and girls. ( I said strap in, not strap on. Get your minds out of the gutter.) I have quite a lot on my mind today. It may be a bumpy ride.

At 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon, I had an appointment with our insurance agent.

Did you know that from a financial point of view, the only monetary worth I have to my husband is childcare? That's it. So when I die, he needs to cover my funeral expenses, and childcare. And I guess he can play with the rest. (Note to self: reconsider why he likes to have a radio near the bathtub.)

My husband was supposed to come home early from work and take care of the kids. At 3:50 p.m. he wasn't home yet. Which meant I would be late. So I called his office.

What I Heard
Random coworker: Capt mumble mumble. Mumble mumble office.
Me: Hi! Is *my husband's name* there please?
Random coworker: I think he's in the hall. May I ask who's calling?
Me: Oh. This is his wife.
Random coworker: Oh hi! How are you? Let me just go grab him.
*pause*
Random coworker: unintelligible
Tuna Hubby: unintelligible
Many men: uproarios laughter
Tuna Hubby: Hey, hon. I'm on my way home.

What I Imagined
Random coworker: Capt mumble mumble. Mumble mumble office.
Me: Hi! Is *my husband's name* there please?
Random coworker: I think he's in the hall. May I ask who's calling?
Me: Oh. This is his wife.
Random coworker: Oh hi! How are you? Let me just go grab him.
*pause*
Random coworker: Tuuuuuna! Your wife is on the phone.
Tuna Hubby: Oh! Fuck!
Many men: uproarious laughter, whipping noises, taunting
Tuna Hubby: Hey, hon. I'm on my way home.

So, he finally showed up and I went to my appointment.

Insurance Man: And is your husband going to pay for this policy?
Me: *laughing* Oh yeah. *more laughing*
Insurance Man: Does he know he's paying for it?
Me: *laughing* Oh yeah. *more laughing*

There is no his and her money. It all goes in one big pot, baby.

Then I got to go to the gym. The scenery is much nicer after work than at 10 in the morning.

In fact, I was avidly watching a hot man running around the track, when I caught a glimpse of his face and realized it was my friend's husband. That's creepy, even for me. I feel the need to call my friend and both apologize and congratulate her.

Here's a note for the other man I was staring at.

Dear hot gym man,

Yes, you did catch me staring at the nape of your neck while you were doing pull ups. And yes, you did catch me staring at your ass while you were doing pull downs. But that does not give you the right to stare at my crotch while I do hip abductors.

Speaking of pull downs...have you ever noticed that as you lift, the pin rod pumping in and out of the weight stack very much resembles the sex act?

Maybe I'm better off going to the gym with the other housewives and old men.

Speaking of housewives, for the first time ever, CB made a girly remark to me. We were talking about a guy our husbands work with and she called him total military man. "Do you know him?" she asked. "He's hot!"

I kind of like that side of her. But, I don't think that guy is particularly hot. Which is good because it helps if you and your friends aren't after the same guys. Not that we're looking or anything.

When I told my husband about this conversation, he said, "Great! and I'm sending you on a cruise together."

I don't know about the other three we're going with, but CB and I could be a guy pick-up force to be reckoned with. Not that we're looking or anything! (I love you, Honey!)

And to end this ramble on a sweet note, during the same conversation, CB said to me, "You're the only friend I can really talk to. You're the only one who really gets me."

And that is very cool.