Kindergarten Cop

The movie Kindergarten Cop is on Encore this week. Every time I see a reference to that movie, I just have to laugh. It was the centerpiece of my Worst Date Ever.

Just picture it. A girl who is a senior in high school. Sort of athletic, sort of smart. She has a thing for a boy, but he let some misunderstood comment come between them. He seems to keep hanging around though. You know...as friends. Even though she's dating some jerk, he shows up at all of her basketball games. He goes out dancing with her. He even takes her to the movies. Those all sound like dates to her.

So one winter evening, this girl isn't feeling so well during basketball practice. And she somehow manages to tear some cartilage in her ear as she's going for a rebound. She feels like crap, but her friend-who-is-a-boy is picking her up for dinner and a movie, and she's not going to miss it.

He's not exactly a big spender, so he takes her to Papa Gino's where she orders and eats a seafood salad sandwich. Okay. Obviously she wasn't thinking. But they're having fun and things are moving along.

They go to see Kindergarten Cop. It's 1990. Give them a break.

About a quarter of the way into the movie, the girl isn't feeling too well. She's feeling clammy and hot and nauseous. But it's Ah-nold after all, and he doesn't have a Too-Mah. She, however, has an upset stomach. But she ignores it, not wanting to end her pseudo date with the boy.

Until she can't ignore it anymore. And just as she decides to make a dash for the bathroom, well, her stomach decides that it's time to empty itself. All over their shoes.

She'd love to die of embarrassment. And she's just hoping no one noticed her ralph. But she's feeling better and a hasty retreat will only draw attention. Must have been that seafood salad. So they discreetly move to another row and thank their stars that they don't work in a movie theatre.

Five minutes later, it's time to admit defeat, and dash to the bathroom again. Like a gentleman, he escorts her to his Hyundai, asking her if she is okay.

"I'm fine. I'm fine," she insists. But half way home, she isn't so sure and she asks him to roll down his windows.

Which he does, while warning her again and again, "You better not throw up in my car! Anywhere but in my car!" What a sweet boy.

They finally arrive at the girl's house and she sprints in the door, past her mother, and directly to the bathroom.

She spends the night in abject misery, only to find out that she has a 104 degree fever. Days later she breaks out in spots and finds out that she has Rosiola.

Years later, when Kindergarten Cop finally makes it's way to network TV, the boy and the girl finish watching it together in a dorm room. The only puking done this time is by the drunken cadet boys in the bathroom across the hall.

Many years later, that boy and girl will see Kindergarten Cop listed on their satellite directory, and every single time they do, that boy just has to say, "Hey! Remember when you threw up all over me?"

To which she replies, "Yes dear, fondly."