Last night, I was lying in bed for hours, just thinking about a bunch of stupid crap. None of it is too upsetting on its own, but when you mix it all together, and throw in a dash of my crazy imagination, well, it's enough to keep me awake.
It's like someone is sitting on the remote control of my brain, and channel after channel is whizzing by. Would you like to experience what it is like to be me? Aw, come on. Who wouldn't want to be a sex-obsessed, money-obsessed, neat freak, slightly compulsive, kinky, freaky, idealistic, military mother of two with a penchant for drama and a fear of buttons? (Have I mentioned my button phobia before? I'll save that for another post.)
- Everyday, I drive by a hair salon called Bushwackers. Who thought of that and why am I only now realizing how stupid that is? I wonder if they do Brazilians.
- My parents found out that the housekeeper of our house on Cape Cod has been letting her friends live there and throwing wild parties. Our neighbors aren't happy. The worst part is that the housekeeper is a relative and she has been trying to contact my husband to see when he wants her to open up the house for the summer. He's been avoiding her like the plague. Come on, Honey. Blast her before I do. Or my father does.
- Our new fish died. They lasted less than a week. I think my daughter's afraid that her little brother might die now.
- I never have time to take a shower until the afternoon. Do people who only see me in the mornings think I'm some crazy bad-hygiene lady?
- I feel bad for Martha Stewart.
- Do I want a puppy? Should I wait? I really want a puppy. No I don't. Considering how many pets we've killed recently, maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have a puppy.
- I hope I'm doing the right thing by letting my daughter go to soccer camp.
- Why oh why did I buy my husband that X-Box?
- How long can I let the dishes gather mold before someone else does them.?
- Will anyone show up to my daughter's birthday party tomorrow?
- Have you ever felt shy about reading someone's blog? Especially if you want to go back and read their archives? Have you ever felt shy about linking to someone? Am I the only one who feels this way?
- You know what's worse than thinking about blogging during sex? Thinking about blogging while you're masturbating. I mean really. What's the point?
- How much is my jaw surgery really going to hurt? Is it going to put us in the poor house?
- I need to write up another Tuna List to have waiting in the wings for crappy blog days like this one. What the hell should I write about?
- Why do I only ever swear on my blog?
So I decided to take my rambling crazy thoughts and sleep on the couch last night. This morning my husband told me that he slept better than ever. Great.
Oh. And if you want to send your husband running out of your house, ask him this: "Do you think I'm like this because of PMS or is this just my personality?"
That may only work for women, though.
Y'all ignore me. Have a great weekend. I'll be on a farm hosting twelve little girls for a birthday party. Pray for me.
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