Why I Don't Belong in Retail

Let me state for the record that I love my life.  I love being a stay-at-home mother.  There is no job in the world that could lure me away from being a housewife.  None.
 
Now, I've had quite a few jobs in my time.  Some of them were perfect for me.  These were the ones where I spent most of my time writing.  And some of them were really, really not for me.  These were the ones that involved sales.  I tried my hand at ad sales, real estate, and retail.
 
Retail was the biggest joke of all.  When we lived in Pensacola, I spent months and months searching for a job. Pensacola is notoriously bad about hiring military wives.  That's understandable because for most people, Pensacola is a pretty short tour.  But in my case I kept getting called back for interview after interview.  They liked me but I couldn't hide the fact that I was a military wife.  In the end, they'd choose someone else.  Most of these potential employers even told me straight out that the only reason I didn't get the job was because of the military.
 
So, one day I was in the mall, shopping for yet another interview suit, when I came across a kiosk where they were taking applications for a brand new (think urban, preppie, Seattle) clothing store.  I figured, what the hell.  Maybe a place with high turnover wouldn't mind a military wife.
 
I interviewed for a sales associate position right then and there.  And they called me that night to hire me.  I had asked for $10 an hour, figuring that's what I made at my last job, and what the heck...might as well shoot high.  They offered me $6.50 and I was desperate enough to take it.
 
I was the highest paid sales associate there.  By a long shot.
 
Oh, by the way, my very first night on the job I outed one of the guys.  Completely by accident, I swear.  It ended up being okay but I felt so bad about it.  I wasn't used to it being an issue.
 
A couple of months later I inadvertently made it clear that another associate's child was conceived out of wedlock.  She was an ensign's wife.  We call that pulling an Officer and a Gentleman.  I was totally innocent I swear.  She was telling stories and I asked for a detail and it made it quite clear.  Maybe I should think before I open my big mouth.
 
Anyway, about a year later, two or three of us (including the assistant manager) were standing around just waiting for a rare customer to walk through the door.  In walked a couple of guys, obviosly Navy.  I tended to wait on the Navy boys because everyone thought I had a way with them.  I guess I did.  I'd flirt a little.  Mention how I used to work on base.  And I'd wait until they had paid for their stuff before I'd let it slip that I was married to an officer.  Is that so wrong?
 
But this particular Navy boy stands out in my mind because he was wearing the most horrendous shirt ever.  And I don't mean horrendous in the "it's so ugly it's cool" kind of way.  It was just awful.  It was a Hawaiian type shirt with a blue background and huge four leaf clovers.  Ugh.
 
So Navy boy holds up a shirt and says, "Is this ugly?"
 
And I reply with, "It couldn't possibly be as ugly as the one you're wearing."
 
I could just feel two jaws dropping behind me.  What?  I didn't think it was so bad.  He obviously knew the shirt was ugly.  He was wearing it to get a reaction.  Right?
 
Well the guy laughed and told us the saga of the ugly shirt and I did my flirting thing and sold him a few items.
 
Evidently, good sales makes up for insulting the customers, because the manager just ended up telling everyone the story and making a big joke of it.
 
The moral of the story:  Sometimes guys like to be insulted a little.  They like that in a girl.  I swear.  Especially Navy guys.
 
The second moral of the story:  If you're desperate enough to work in retail, you're desperate enough to use your boobs to make sales.  Not that I have big boobs.  I swear.