I am in serious need of a friend right now. And my best friend is leaving base for a month. Damn deployments. Damn war. Damn military life and all it brings to those I love.
The worst thing about today is that it hasn't been all bad. It's been a roller coaster. I've been crying and smiling, back and forth all day. It's emotionally exhausting.
I had thought that the day I had my dog Talon put to sleep was one of the worst days of my life. Which is stupid, considering all that went on in my little world on September 11, 2001. But that day was like the crappy culmination of all that bad stuff for me. There I was, completely alone, having the dog I loved like my baby put to sleep. I've never cried at a funeral or any really sad event in my life. But I broke down and wept like a child that day, in public too.
Today was worse. My husband went to pick up my other dog from the vet and she suggested that we have him put down. Partly because he's old and going blind, but mostly because he bit three people during his two week stay there. The vet's conclusion was that his health has made his behavior unpredictable. She said that if we didn't have kids, it would be different, but that it would be best to put him down.
My husband didn't burden me with the decision. He had him put down. He had to hold him on the table while they injected him. Part of me was glad that I didn't have to deal with even more pet loss on my own. But mostly...I don't know how to explain it. When it was me, I could cry and complain. But I feel much worse FOR my husband than I ever felt myself.
So he came home from this and the kids were being especially loving and adorable. They made us laugh and smile. But they'd go play and we'd talk about the dog and get all depressed again. Add to this the career change my husband is going through, some crap that happened with his family, some disturbing news about my impending surgery, and my recent feelings of being trapped at home. It's one of those days that shouldn't seem too bad in the grand scheme of life, but is awful regardless.
We decided to get out of the house and grab some dinner at a deli. It was good. We didn't talk much about the crap because we had the kids, of course. But my husband had three distinct frown lines in his brow. When I pointed this out to him he pointed to each line in turn and then pointed to each of us.
"That's the second time in two days that you've said I stress you out," I noted.
"I know," he said. "It really isn't that bad, and it really isn't you."
Cassidy's and Toddy's comments from my earlier post had made me feel a lot better, but now I feel bad again. I know I'm not really causing any of his stress. But I think he worries FOR me, and that still makes me feel bad. Hell. I can take care of myself and my kids without his help. He knows this because I've had to do it plenty in the last couple of years, but he feels responsible. I understand that, but I still hate that he has to feel this way.
I love him so damn much. Even when he is driving me insane, even when I am so angry at him that I go to the attic and throw things, even in the early days of our marriage when I fantasized about going back home to Mass. where I could make my own life...even then I loved him so damn much that I wanted to take his hurt and fears as my own.
By tomorrow I'll be fine. By tomorrow we'll tear up the old dog area in the yard and start to spread out the kid's stuff. My husband has promised me a new patio. We'll buy some new fish (RIP Goldy and Rocky). We'll be more than fine.
But tonight...tonight I'll take heart in my bloggy friends. (Thanks for the E-mail Cass.) I'll take huge advantage of this wonderful phenomenon of blogging by releasing my stress into the Internet ether. Sharing a load makes it lighter, and I already feel better just writing this.
Now, if you've read this far, well, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you have enough crap in your own life to bore you? I'm not sure why anyone would actually read the crap that spews from my brain on a daily basis. But I sincerely thank you. Really. I'm starting to wonder what the hell I did before I had a blog.
Take care of yourselves.
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