Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Letting Go

UPDATE: Thank you so much for the support, you guys. I really aprreciate it.


I was finally doing it. Something I've needed to for for a long time. But it was part of my recent bout of positive life changes. And I was making it work.

I was finally letting go of other people's problems.

I'm a worrier by nature. I can't help it. I always will be. But I'm trying to find a place where I can care and worry about the people I love, but not take their problems on as my own.

But then my mom dropped a bomb on me last night.

"Do you have a second?" she asked me on the phone.

"No, actually, the kiddo is just about to start practicing violin."

"Oh, okay," she went on. "It's just that I've got some problems and I'm not sure how they're going to affect my trip out to visit."

My daughter started playing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

"What kinds of problems?"

"Well...they think I have cancer. But we're not sure yet. I won't know until I have my biopsy. Go listen to violin practice. I'll talk to you later. Bye."

And she hung up.

Of course, putting the kids to bed that night was an almost impossible task. I gave up and passed it all off to my husband and had myself a little cry.

It turns out that her biopsy isn't until March 20. They're pretty sure it is cancer but they're waiting until March 20 to do the biopsy?

Anyone who knows me knows that it is the waiting--the unknown--that kills me. I can deal with anything. It's just the waiting to find out what is really wrong, or what will really happen that kills me.

And so much for letting go of other people's problems. This is my mother!

My husband said, "I can't believe the biopsy isn't until March 20. Talk about giving you time to worry!"

"You know me," I told him. "I'll just put it aside until there is something I can do with it. There's no use in worrying until we know what's going on."

"Yeah, I do know you." he replied. "You'll suppress it all and take it all out on me."

Yeah. He's probably right. But for now, I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and take a break from life.

And there is no way that can happen.

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