Seeing Red

While I was sweating my ass off at the gym yesterday, parked strategically in front of ESPN so I could ignore the CMT, I saw a recap of the World Cup.

Besides the fact that soccer players are hot and love to whip off their clothes, I was especially fascinated by one aspect of the game.

The red card.

Have you noticed that the red card possesses almost magical powers that make even the most angry athlete back down with just a pout?

I rarely watch soccer, except of the six-year-old girl variety where there is no such thing as a foul, so I was amazed by this.

Can you imagine a hockey ref whipping out a red card during a fight and actually expecting those guys to back down? Hockey refs usually end up on the ice grappling with the combatants. (Is anyone else getting moist?)

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the red card worked in life?

Someone tries to cut you in line at the deli and you flash a yellow card. If they don't back down, out comes the red and they walk away looking indignant but accepting their fate.

Some guy puts the moves on you and gets a little obnoxious so the bartender holds up a yellow card. And then if his hands go places they shouldn't, well, he's just asking for a red card.

And oh dear lord! What if it worked on kids? There would be no more room time outs or screaming marches up the stairs. All I'd have to do is flash the red card and they'd immediately go to their corners.

I think I'm going to buy a couple of those cards. And a whistle, because those are just hot. I'll carry them around in my purse and the next time I feel the need to confront a stranger in public, I'll just whip out my cards.

So when you read that I'm stuck in the looney bin, please just call and explain to them, "No, she had a genius idea. It's from soccer. Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either, but she had to write about something."