Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Rated M for Mature...OR Warning! Too Much Information!

My Daddy for a Day problem is solved--sort of. My poor baby girl is sick enough to be out of school for the rest of the week.

So I spent a few hours at the pediatrician's office today. Is it wrong that I was checking out the Daddy of a little girl who kept throwing up? He was all hot in an Old Navy surf shirt and all sweet with his little girl. And then at the pharmacy, I was reminded of my appreciation of guys in scrubs. Even a normal looking man can look so hot in scrubs. I remember the day after my son was born (It was Christmas weekend) and the doctor came in wearing scrub pants and a grey sweatshirt. I couldn't stop staring at his ass while he was writing on my chart. That seems sort of perverse now.

So I have sex on the mind again. Big surprise. I find that the more sex I have, the more I want. That doesn't seem normal either. Which lead to this conversation with my husband:

Me: I hope it doesn't bother you that I just get more revved up after we have sex.

Him: Why would it?

Me: Well, I don't want you to think that you don't satisfy me.

Him: Hon, you're insatiable. I've known this for years.

Me: But that's a good thing right? I'm sure there are husbands out there who have to practically beg for sex.

Him: It is good. But I'd trade a quarter of our sex life for you to be able to sleep at night.

Me: Just a quarter, huh?

Awww. He cares about me. He'd give up a quarter of our sex (I'm guessing that would be the mundane quarter and not the you-give-the-world's-best-blow-jobs quarter) so that I could get a good night's sleep. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff.

But since I'm talking about sex (which I promised I wouldn't), I figured I'd stuff as much sex into this here post as I can.

I think people have a specific image in mind when they think of military wives. Especially officer's wives. I'm sure the stereotypes hold true for a lot of people, but I don't think I really fit into one. And I've met a lot of different wives over the years.

One of the ways to get to know people when you get to a new base is to get on the party-going circuit. And I don't mean the kind of parties that you all enjoy. I'm talking about parties where people sell things. You wouldn't even believe the number of different kinds of parties: Tupperware, Mary Kay, candles, stickers, stampers, srcapbooking, baskets, painting, lingerie, cookware, and toys are just a few. But I think my favorite party so far was the sex toy party.

I was invited to this party by a new friend of mine who didn't want to go alone. Everyone there was a young officer's wife. Apparently, someone had a party like this for a bachelorette party and decided it was fun. But they had a different salesperson. This salesperson was missing a few teeth and kept referring to things her husband and her had done in their trailer.

What cracked me up though, was that she kept presenting alternate uses for the products. This cock ring can also be a hair scrunchy. This rotating dildo can also be used to mix cakes. And when everyone made horrified and disparaging comments about the anal lube, she informed us that she keeps some at her house because it is good for bug bites.

After the presentation, we each went into the bedroom with the salesperson where we could privately make our selections. You always feel obligated to buy something at these parties, so most people came out with lotions and "joke" gifts. Me? I chose the anal lube. You know, bug bites are a big problem for me.

The salesperson suggested that I hide it in my purse, considering the comments that had been made. So I did just that. And since any activity related to the use of said lube (except the bug bite treatment I had so obviously bought it for) is still illegal, even for married couples, in our little world...I didn't tell anyone what I bought.

Over the next year, I became very close friends with the woman who invited me to the party. She was a bit wild. When they were moving away she told me that she had been curious for a year about what I had bought at that party. She offered up stories of her own public sex in trade. I told her what I had bought and she responded, "Oh. *pause* You win hands down. I thought I was the more freaky of the two of us."

"What?" I asked her. "What's so freaky about treating bug bites?"

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