Thursday, March 31, 2005

Lizard Hockey Anyone?

It's become like fucking Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom around here.

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And that's only the front half of my little friend.

Sometimes, when I let the kids play in the backyard, I'll leave the back door open and work in my kitchen. Not any more. At least not until I have a man around the house again.

He is clearly too big to squish with my practiced (and fabled) combat boot maneuver, so I had to find an alternate way to eject him from my house.

And, thus, lizard hockey was born.

Lizard hockey is a game involving me, a broom, my humongous lizard friend, and an open back door.

I use a wrist shot to fire him toward the door. He lands and runs away. I screech.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I've been married to my hockey player long enough to have the skill to win this battle. But now I will never venture into the backyard barefoot again.


So a friend recently said to me that sex is something everyone can understand. We all have isues with sex, whether we're having it or not, so sex makes for good comedy fodder. At the time, I agreed with him. But I think I have found a more unifying topic.

Pests. Bugs. Lizards. Rodents. Any animal that is small enough to be silent and creepy.

But in fact, it is fear that really unifies us. We're all afraid of something.

Some of us are afraid of (or at least creeped out by) some pretty strange things. For example, I am totally grossed out by buttons.

Yes. Buttons. You read that right.

I'm speaking of the kind that fasten clothing. I gag even just to type the word, and you will rarely hear me say it.

Over the years, I have been able to learn to tolerate them on clothing. This was mostly through my torturous experience with my sixth-grade school uniform.

But to see one of those things just lying there, seperated from its garment--or even worse--in a bin at a store. Oh gag! Gag! That makes the hair on my arms rise up and I have to close my eyes and look away.

They have a box of those things at my daughter's school and for a while she was bringing them home as presents. I didn't want to pass along my freaky fear, but I did not want to touch them either. I think I convined her to save them for Grandma.


So what are you afraid of?

Are you all insane? That lizard is not cute! It's demonic looking.

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