I've been avoiding my blog all day.
I knew that if I opened that Create window, my self-centered, immature...crap would come spewing forth. And I hate it when I spew.
I'm pissed off today. At the world.
I spent thirty of my daytime minutes on the phone with my very wonderful friend. And I thought it made me feel better.
Because I was running late and child-free, I went to the base gym (instead of my housewifely one). I watched hordes of hot, hot, hot military guys working out. And, they kept glancing my way. (Can you say "fresh meat!") And I thought it made me feel better.
I was so very wrong.
I'm pissed at my husband. But it is only my normal everyday kind of pissed off. The kind of pissed off where as soon as I say, "I drove your car off-base today," he's going to know I'm mad and why. It's not a big deal. I'll yell at him good-naturedly and we'll end up joking about it.
As far as the husband goes, we're closer than ever.
But being mad at him seemed to set off my internal anger flame for everyone else.
Even CB did something to piss me off. And I think that hurts the most. Because she has no clue and it is the exact kind of thing I spent a lot of energy protecting her from when her husband was gone.
On the phone the other night my husband said to me, "They just don't get it, Honey." He was talking about what it is like to be a waiting spouse and he's right. Most people don't get it. And I don't expect them to. But CB should.
But I've been thinking about my anger all day. None of it is rational. I'm pissed that people are making new friends and going on trips. I'm pissed that people don't call or write. I'm pissed that people are going on dates and starting new relationships.
Clearly, I'm not pissed. I'm jealous.
So fucking lonely.
My house is full of family right now and I'm more lonely than ever.
They clear out on Monday and Patrick arrives next Thursday. By the time he leaves, I'll be half-way through this deployment.
I'm going to take a deep breath, let this spew simmer on the blog for a while, and move right along. Moving right along...
Because that is how I do things. It ain't pretty, but it works.